Best decision

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home.

Finally, it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

😬

– via Priya F.

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Interesting Anagrams

Here is a list of word pairs, called ANAGRAMS. The interesting part is they are formed by the same set of alphabets but convey a mutually contradictory or sometimes complementary meaning. Here are a dozen of them.

1. Teach Cheat
Some people teach, some cheat and remaining teach to cheat.

2. Listen. Silent
Be silent and listen.

3. Admirer. Married
Status before and after marriage.

4.Fast. Fats
Either fast or add fats as you feast.

5. Marital. Martial
A misplaced 'I' turns marital relationship into martial one.

6. Creative. Reactive
You can never be creative if you are reactive.

7. Sweat. Waste
If you dont sweat as a youth you will waste your entire life, so sweat or waste.

8. Bedroom. Boredom
Always keep boredom out of your bedroom because that is the place where you spent half of your life and mostly in your own company.

9. Vote. Veto
One veto and a million votes undone.

10. Exist. Exits
We exist between our entries and exits.

11. Stain. Saint
Hard to find a saint without a stain.

12. Split. Spilt
Dont cry over split milk. Make paneer. Dont cry over spilt milk either. Feed the cat.

– via Marina A.

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Punny

Q: What do you call dental X-rays?

A: Tooth pics

Q: What do you call a group of babies?

A: An infantry.

Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

A: He pasta away.

Q: Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

A: Because they lactose. 

Q: What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A: A dinosnore.

Q: Which way did the programmer go?

A: He went data way.

Q: How does NASA organize a party?

A: They planet.

Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

A: Same middle name.

Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye?

A: Between you and me, something smells.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

A: He didn’t have the guts.

Q: What do you call an alligator that wears a vest?

A: An investigator

Q: Are mountains just funny? 

A: No. They are hill areas.

Q: why didn’t the bicycle stand up on its own?

A: It was two tired.

Q: What did the window feel when it was hit by a stone?

A: It felt the pane.

😊
– via Rakhee R. 

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Hindi – English puns 

Q: What did the lonely banana say?

A: I’m a’kela’.
Q: What did the green peas say?
A: Nothing. They just ‘mutter’ed.
Q: What did the potato say when it answered the phone ?

A: ‘Aaloo?’
Q: Where do cauliflowers hang out?

A: In the Gobi desert.
Q: What did the flower say to its girl-friend?

A: Why do ‘phools’ fall in love?
Q: What did the confused egg say?

A: I don’t ‘unda’-stand.
Q: What do shrimps sing on Christmas?

A: ‘Jhinga’ Bells.
Q: What did the half eaten naan say?

A: I wish I was ‘puri’.
Q: What did the lonely potato sing?

A: ‘Aaloo lonesome tonight?’
Q: What language do carrots speak?

A: Gajar-ati.
This is da funniest..

Q: What did the first pizza slice say to the other pizza slice so it would move?

A: Pizza – ‘HUT’

– via Priya F. 

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Clever Puns

  • Lightning sometimes shocks people… because, it just doesn’t know how to conduct itself
  • A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period… it marks the end of his sentence
  • A rule of grammar… double negatives are a no-no
  • Sleeping comes so naturally to me… I could do it with my eyes closed 
  •  Atheists don’t solve exponential equations… because they don’t believe in higher powers. 
  • It’s raining cats and dogs… well, as long as it doesn’t reindeer
  •  I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me…
  •  My new theory on  inertia doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum
  • The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran
  • What did the grape say when it got stepped on… nothing, but it let out a little whine
  •  If you don’t pay your exorcist… do you get repossessed
  • Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends… but, what would be the point
  • I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania
  • A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens…. a brother is frying chips. “Are you the friar?” he asks. “No. I’m the chip monk” he replies…
  • Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring… the doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside…
  • What’s the definition of a will… it’s a dead giveaway
  • Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted




– via Sanjeev C. 

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Life of a husband is so difficult 😝

Mr Jones drove his secretary home after she had had a little too much to drink at their new year’s office party. She was sooooo drunk.
Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife who was an insanely jealous and suspicious woman.
Later that night, Mr. Jones and his wife were in the car when he spotted a high-heeled shoe under the passenger seat….
While his wife wasn’t looking, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window…
Later, as they got out of the car, his wife asked, “Honey, have you seen my other shoe?” 
– via Ajit D. 

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The kid is not ours … 😅

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid
Husband: Well you dont’t remember, do you??

 When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped.

 Then you said:

 – Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.

 So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

Moral: Never give a man a job that doesn’t belong to him.

😂

– via Ajit D. 

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Wife was driving…..

Husband – “Why dont you use indicators when you take a turn?”

Wife – “What do you mean use indicators…why should I?”
Husband- “So that other drivers know which way you will turn.”
Wife- “Where I am going is nobody’s business…!!!”
Husband – “Sorry…..”
via Saif K. 

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Anti-Global Warming Arguments

via anti-global warming arguments — Wrong Hands

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11 Short Horror stories at their best. Wrapped up in just 2 sentences or less….

1. Husband kills his wife while their 5 yr old son was still sleeping.
The weird thing was that kid didn’t ask 4 his mom even 3 days after she went missing.

Father:” Is there something that you want to ask me ? ”

Kid : “I just wonder, why mom is always standing BEHIND YOU . .

 

2. I woke up to hear knocking on glass. At first, I thought it was the window until I heard it come from the mirror again.

 

3. The last thing I saw was my alarm clock flashing 12:07 before she pushed her long rotting nails through my chest, her other hand muffling my screams. I sat bolt upright, relieved it was only a dream, but as I saw my alarm clock read 12:06, I heard my closet door creak open.

 

4. In all of the time that I’ve lived alone in this house, I swear to God I’ve closed more doors than I’ve opened.

 

5. A girl heard her mom yell her name from downstairs, so she got up & started to head down. As she got to the stairs, her mom pulled her into her room & said “I heard that, too.”

 

6. My wife woke me up last night to tell me there was an intruder in our house. She was murdered by an intruder 2 years ago.

 

7. I always thought my cat had a staring problem. she always seemed fixated on my face. Until one day, when I realized that she was always looking just behind me.

 

8. There’s nothing like the laughter of a baby. Unless it’s 1 a.m. & you’re home alone.

 

9. I begin tucking him into bed & he tells me, “Daddy, check for monsters under my bed.”

I look underneath for his amusement & see him.. another him, under the bed, staring back at me quivering and whispering, “Daddy, there’s somebody on my bed.”

 

10. You get home, tired after a long day’s work & ready for a relaxing night alone. You reach for the light switch, but another hand is already there.

 

11. There was a picture in my phone of me sleeping. I live alone.

 

 

Via Priya F. 

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