Clever Puns

  • Lightning sometimes shocks people… because, it just doesn’t know how to conduct itself
  • A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period… it marks the end of his sentence
  • A rule of grammar… double negatives are a no-no
  • Sleeping comes so naturally to me… I could do it with my eyes closed 
  •  Atheists don’t solve exponential equations… because they don’t believe in higher powers. 
  • It’s raining cats and dogs… well, as long as it doesn’t reindeer
  •  I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me…
  •  My new theory on  inertia doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum
  • The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran
  • What did the grape say when it got stepped on… nothing, but it let out a little whine
  •  If you don’t pay your exorcist… do you get repossessed
  • Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends… but, what would be the point
  • I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania
  • A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens…. a brother is frying chips. “Are you the friar?” he asks. “No. I’m the chip monk” he replies…
  • Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring… the doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside…
  • What’s the definition of a will… it’s a dead giveaway
  • Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted




– via Sanjeev C. 

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Life of a husband is so difficult 😝

Mr Jones drove his secretary home after she had had a little too much to drink at their new year’s office party. She was sooooo drunk.
Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife who was an insanely jealous and suspicious woman.
Later that night, Mr. Jones and his wife were in the car when he spotted a high-heeled shoe under the passenger seat….
While his wife wasn’t looking, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window…
Later, as they got out of the car, his wife asked, “Honey, have you seen my other shoe?” 
– via Ajit D. 

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The kid is not ours … 😅

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid
Husband: Well you dont’t remember, do you??

 When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped.

 Then you said:

 – Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.

 So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

Moral: Never give a man a job that doesn’t belong to him.

😂

– via Ajit D. 

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Wife was driving…..

Husband – “Why dont you use indicators when you take a turn?”

Wife – “What do you mean use indicators…why should I?”
Husband- “So that other drivers know which way you will turn.”
Wife- “Where I am going is nobody’s business…!!!”
Husband – “Sorry…..”
via Saif K. 

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Anti-Global Warming Arguments

via anti-global warming arguments — Wrong Hands

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11 Short Horror stories at their best. Wrapped up in just 2 sentences or less….

1. Husband kills his wife while their 5 yr old son was still sleeping.
The weird thing was that kid didn’t ask 4 his mom even 3 days after she went missing.

Father:” Is there something that you want to ask me ? ”

Kid : “I just wonder, why mom is always standing BEHIND YOU . .

 

2. I woke up to hear knocking on glass. At first, I thought it was the window until I heard it come from the mirror again.

 

3. The last thing I saw was my alarm clock flashing 12:07 before she pushed her long rotting nails through my chest, her other hand muffling my screams. I sat bolt upright, relieved it was only a dream, but as I saw my alarm clock read 12:06, I heard my closet door creak open.

 

4. In all of the time that I’ve lived alone in this house, I swear to God I’ve closed more doors than I’ve opened.

 

5. A girl heard her mom yell her name from downstairs, so she got up & started to head down. As she got to the stairs, her mom pulled her into her room & said “I heard that, too.”

 

6. My wife woke me up last night to tell me there was an intruder in our house. She was murdered by an intruder 2 years ago.

 

7. I always thought my cat had a staring problem. she always seemed fixated on my face. Until one day, when I realized that she was always looking just behind me.

 

8. There’s nothing like the laughter of a baby. Unless it’s 1 a.m. & you’re home alone.

 

9. I begin tucking him into bed & he tells me, “Daddy, check for monsters under my bed.”

I look underneath for his amusement & see him.. another him, under the bed, staring back at me quivering and whispering, “Daddy, there’s somebody on my bed.”

 

10. You get home, tired after a long day’s work & ready for a relaxing night alone. You reach for the light switch, but another hand is already there.

 

11. There was a picture in my phone of me sleeping. I live alone.

 

 

Via Priya F. 

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This film has got only two scenes of nudity – So what’s wrong?

Last week, I walked into my office to find a sandwich bag on my desk containing three chewy, tasty, homemade chocolate brownies. Some thoughtful and anonymous person who knew my love for tasty homemade brownies had placed them there, along with a hand written short story. I immediately sat down and began eating the first chewy, tasty, homemade brownie as I read the following story:

Two teenagers asked their father if they could go the theatre to watch a movie that all their friends had seen. After reading some reviews about the movie on the Internet, he denied their request.
“Aw dad, why not?” they complained. It is rated PG-13, and we’re both older than thirteen!”
Dad replied: “Because that movie contains nudity and portrays immorality as being normal and acceptable behavior.”
“But dad, those are just very small parts of the movie! That’s what our friends who’ve seen it have told us. The movie is two hours long and those scenes are just a few minutes of the total film! It’s based on a true story and good triumphs over evil, and there are other redeeming themes like courage and self-sacrifice. Even the movie review websites say that!”
“My answer is no, and that is my final answer. You are welcome to stay home tonight, invite some of your friends over, and watch one of the good videos we have in our home collection. But you will not go and watch that film. End of discussion.”
The two teenagers walked dejectedly into the family room and slumped down on the couch. As they sulked, they were surprised to hear the sounds of their father preparing something in the kitchen. They soon recognized the wonderful aroma of brownies baking in the oven, and one of the teenagers said to the other, “Dad must be feeling guilty, and now he’s going to try to make it up to us with some fresh brownies. Maybe we can soften him with lots of praise when he brings them out to us and persuade him to let us go to that movie after all.”
About that time I began eating the second brownie from the sandwich bag and wondered if there was some connection to the brownies I was eating and the brownies in the story. I kept reading…
The teens were not disappointed. Soon their father appeared with a plate of warm brownies, which he offered to his kids. They each took one. Then their father said, “Before you eat, I want to tell you something: I love you both so much.” The teenagers smiled at each other with knowing glances. Dad was softening. “That is why I’ve made these brownies with the very best ingredients. I’ve made them from scratch. Most of the ingredients are even organic. The best organic flour. The best

free-range eggs. The best organic sugar. Premium vanilla and chocolate.”
The brownies looked mouth-watering, and the teens began to become a little impatient with their dad’s long speech.
“But I want to be perfectly honest with you. There is one ingredient I added that is not usually found in brownies. I got that ingredient from our own back yard. But you needn’t worry, because I only added the tiniest bit of that ingredient to your brownies. The amount of the portion is practically insignificant. So go ahead, take a bite and let me know what you think.”
“Dad, would you mind telling us what that mystery ingredient is before we eat?” “Why? The portion I added was so small. Just a teaspoonful. You won’t even taste it.”
“Come on, dad just tell us what that ingredient is.”
“Don’t worry! It is organic, just like the other ingredients.”
“Dad!”

“Well, OK, if you insist. That secret ingredient is fresh organic..dog poop.”
I immediately stopped chewing that second brownie and I spit it out into the wastebasket by my desk. I continued reading, now fearful of the paragraphs that still remained. Both teens instantly dropped their brownies back on the plate and began inspecting their fingers with horror.
“DAD! Why did you do that? You’ve tortured us by making us smell those brownies cooking for the last half hour, and now you tell us that you added dog poop! We can’t eat these brownies!”

“Why not? The amount of dog poop is very small compared to the rest of the ingredients. It won’t hurt you. It’s been cooked right along with the other ingredients. You won’t even taste it. It has the same consistency as the brownies. Go ahead and eat.
“No, Dad…NEVER!”
“And that is the same reason I won’t allow you to go watch that movie. You won’t tolerate a little dog poop in your brownies, so why should you tolerate a little immorality in your movies? We pray that God will not lead us unto temptation, so how can we in good conscience entertain ourselves with something that will imprint a sinful image in our minds that will lead us into temptation long after we first see it?”
I discarded what remained of the second brownie as well as the entire untouched third brownie. What had been irresistible a minute go had become detestable. And only because of the very slim chance that what I was eating was slightly polluted. (Surely it wasn’t…but I couldn’t convince myself.)
What a good lesson about purity! Why do we tolerate any sin? On the day of the Passover, the Israelites were commanded to remove every bit of leaven from their homes. Sin is like leaven – a little bit leavens the whole lump

(1Corinthians 5:6,7), faith and sin, don’t mix.

Author Unknown

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Retract Resignation 🤣

An employee goes running to HR and asked his resignation back.HR(surprised): Today is your last day and what happened suddenly?

Employee: My manager is also joining the same place where I am going.
– via Anisha M

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We grew up

Somewhere between “Crying loudly to seek attention” and “Crying silently to avoid attention”, 

we grew up!!
Somewhere between 

“ 7 pani puris for 1 rupee” and 

“1 pani puri for 7 rupees”, 

we grew up!!
Somewhere between 

“Ground mai aaja” and 

“Online aaja”, 

we grew up!!
Somewhere between 

“Craving for pizza” and 

“Craving for home food”, 

we grew up!
Somewhere between 

“Believing in happy endings” and “Accepting the reality”, 

we grew up!!
Somewhere between 

“stealing eclairs of your sis” and “Bringing Silk for her”, 

we grew up!!
Somewhere between 

“Just five more mins Mom” and “Pressing the snooze button”, 

we grew up!!
Somewhere between 

“Broken Pencils” and 

“Broken Hearts”, 

we grew up!!
Somewhere between 

“Crying out loud just to get what we want” and 

“Holding our tears when we are broken inside”, 

we grew up!!
Somewhere between 

“We are Best Friends Forever” and “Knowing that nothing truly lasts”, 

we grew up!!
Somewhere between 

“I want to grow up” and 

“I want to be a child again”, 

we grew up!!
Somewhere between 

“Lets meet and plan” and 

“Lets plan and meet”, 

we grew up!!
Somewhere between 

“Eagerly waiting” and 

“Forever waiting”, 

we grew up!!
Somewhere between 

“Parents fulfilling our wish” and 

“We Fulfilling our parent’s dream”, 

we grew up!!
Somewhere between 

“Waking up at 6 am” and 

“Sleeping at 6 am”, 

we grew up!!
And as we grew up, we realized how, silently but surely ,our lives have changed…!! 
– via Sanjeev C. 

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Height of gujjuism

 Meanwhile in Gujarat – whatsapp emojis crossing the limits!!!!
Girl : wats ur name
 Boy : 🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫
Girl : ??
Boy :Chhagan
Girl: oh, so cute!
Boy : wats ur name?
Girl : 🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰
Boy : 😳whts this
Girl : Arrey it’s Sonal !!!
😆
Via Saif K

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