Indian Lexophile

1. “Mujhe ek ghante se auto nahi mili, shayad bhagwaan meri paRICKSHAW le raha hai”๐Ÿ˜
2. “My body is in office, but my mind is SOMVAR else” #Monday Blues๐Ÿ˜‚
3. “I am feeling too lazy to meet my friends. AALSI them later”๐Ÿ˜‚
4. “Son: Rum Piyoge? 

Dad: Oye puttar ‘Bacar’di gal na kar”๐Ÿ˜‚
5. “If you eat fiery garlic pickle before class, you’ll learn a valuable Lehsun”๐Ÿ˜‚
6. Weight loss frustration… “Pran jaaye par wajan naa jaye”๐Ÿ˜‚
7. Saw a line of Hyundai Sonatas parked on an empty road. Asked someone there “itna sonata kyu hai bhai”๐Ÿ˜‚
8. A daughter is the perfect child. A son is just a Beta version ๐Ÿ˜‚
9. When in Chennai, many North Indians wonder..”Ye kaahan aa gaye hum, yoo hee south south chalte”๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
10. She is Libra I am Leo humari Jodi kuch gemini
11. Decided to go to a Italian restaurant kyunki woh ghar ke PASTA๐Ÿ˜
unknown 

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A Man and his Ostrichย 

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him. 

The waitress asks them for their orders. 
The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich, ‘What’s yours?’ 
‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich. 
A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. 
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke’ 
The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same’ 
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. 
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 
‘The usual?’ asks the waitress. 
‘No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man. 

‘Same,’ says the ostrich. 
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’ 
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. 
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

 

“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?” 
Says the man, “Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. 
The first wish I asked was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
The waitress said “That’s brilliant! Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. How smart of you!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there” says the man proudly.
The waitress asks, “But, what’s that ostrich all about?”
The man sighs, pauses and answers with a heavy heart, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who accompanies me wherever I go and agrees with everything I say”.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Men’s brains work brilliant until they start thinking about a woman!!๐Ÿคฃ
Via Steven R. 

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Pun ish mentย 

Literary jokes for the learned 
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Comference. He acquired his size from too much Pi.
 

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

 

3. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

 

4. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

 

5. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

 

6. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said : ‘Keep off the Grassโ€.

  

7. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

 

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  

9. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  

10. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

11. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

 

12. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be In Seine .

 

13. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam !’

 

14. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal ? His goal : transcend dental medication.

 

15. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did
Via Priyadarshni F. 

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Do you still remember those awkward days in schools during exams-

  • When a bright student tells the invigilator that question 4 has a problem, but you have already answered it! ๐Ÿ˜ณ 
  • When a fellow student asks for a graph paper, but you are finished, and did not see anywhere where it was required! ๐Ÿ˜ง 
  • When the invigilator says jump question 6 we will rectify it later, but it was the question you enjoyed answering the most! ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ 
  • When you see people busy using rulers and you are wondering what is going on! ๐Ÿ˜ฃ
  • When you hear your friends arguing after the exam whether the answer to question 5 was 35.5% or 36%, and your answer was South Africa! ๐Ÿ˜ฉ
  • When you feel very happy about finishing the paper half an hour before, giving grins to others scribbling furiously.. and later wondering outside the hall at people saying Part III was difficult, when as per you there were only two Parts! ๐Ÿ˜ฃ

Via whatsapp 

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Laws That You Don’t Learn In School ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ˜…

1) Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

2) Anthony’s Law of the Workshop:

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3) Kovac’s Conundrum:

When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

4) Cannon’s Karmic Law:

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

5) O’brien’s Variation Law:

If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

6) BELL’S THEOREM:

When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

7) RUBY’S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS:

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

8) WILLOUGHBY’S LAW:

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

9) ZADRA’S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS:

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10) BREDA’S RULE:

At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.

11) OWEN’S LAW:

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Via Rakhee R. 

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Men will be Men

Wife left a note on the fridge: “It’s not working anymore! I can’t take it, I’ve gone to stay at my Mom’s place!
“Husband opened the fridge,the beer was cold. He starts to drink one and says “What the hell was she talking about??? 

Fridge is working fine!!๐Ÿ˜

Via Steven R. 

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Church conference todayย 

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Does Anyone Object?ย 

At a wedding ceremony last Saturday, the Priest asked the congregation if there was anyone who had anything to say regarding the union of the two.
All hell broke loose when a woman from the back of the church started walking towards the front with a child. 
You could have heard a pin drop! The bride fainted!

The minister asked the woman if she had anything to say. 

She answered, “We cannot hear anything at the back.”

๐Ÿ˜œ
Via Steven R. 

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Forgotten Lunchย 

On a busy Monday morning this guy is rushing off to work. 
In the elevator he realizes his bag isn’t as heavy as it usually is. 
Checks to find out that his lunch box isn’t there. While walking up to his parked car, he replays the morning rush hours and realizes that his wife had simply forgotten to prepare his lunch that day.
In their 18-years of blissful married life, he couldn’t recall a single day in the past when she had not attended to the tiniest of his needs. 
He cuts off dialing her number and chuckles to himself as he drives out of the apartment block.
At lunchtime that day his wife receives a call. It’s her husband. 
W: “Hi darling! hows work”
H: “Work’s cool but I’m hungry :)”
W: “Didn’t you eat lunch yet?”
H: “Nope”
W: “Why”
H: ”Cause it wasn’t there.”
Silence. The nickle drops
W: “OMG! how could I forget? I didn’t even make it! that’s never happened! I totally forgot! What are you going to do?”
H: “Not me! you’re going to do something! You’re going to change and come down!
 I’m waiting downstairs for you! We’re going to lunch together!”
She squeals in delight (the sound of which is music to his ears) and joins him down. They drive off to a wonderful, memorable lunch.
Now you too know the secret behind their happy marriage! 
All that the two of them have striven to do in their many years of marriage is 

to turn an oversight, 

a mistake, from either one into 

a moment of celebration, 

a moment of joy, 

a moment to cherish.
Whatever your partner does for you is not his or her duty, 

it’s his or her love for you.
 Accept it with grace and return it with interest ๐Ÿ™‚ 
If ever the partner forgets, you do the needful, 

you should put in the love and add few hugs๐Ÿ˜ and enjoy.
Really, it’s that simple.๐Ÿ˜Š

Via Margaret P 

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Your Duck is Deadย 

A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon.As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, your duck Cuddles, has passed away.โ€
The distressed woman wailed, โ€œAre you sure?โ€
โ€œYes, I am sure. The duck is dead,โ€ replied the Vet.
โ€œHow can you be so sure?โ€ she protested.

โ€œI mean you havenโ€™t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.โ€
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left

the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador.
As the duckโ€™s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.โ€
The Vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duckโ€™s owner, still in shock, took the bill. โ€œRs. 3000!โ€ she cried, โ€œRs. 3000 just to tell me my duck is dead!โ€
The vet shrugged, โ€œIโ€™m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been Rs.100, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, itโ€™s now Rs 3000.”

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
Via Sanjeev C. 

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